After three debates, countless advertisements and who knows how many stump speeches, surprise appearances, kissed babies and greased palms, it seems that the 2004 election is still too darn close to call. Polls are down to the wire on just about every subject, and while Kerry might be leading slightly in the Electoral count, that could change at any moment.

The good news is that closeness this means neither side is going to let up or rest on its laurels, and things are going to continue to get interesting. The bad news is that everyone will be staying up late on November 2nd to see what happens, leading to a lot of frayed tempers at work the day after.

Considering how darn close the election is, the right revelation in the right place at the right time might make all the difference. With that in mind, we at the rANT Farm are proud to present a few "October Surprises" that might get one side or the other those last few, crucial votes.

Some of them are verified, some of them are not, and some might be cruel hoaxes that we engineered ourselves just for laughs. We hope they come in useful.

The Bin Laden Surprise:

This one's the most cynical of them all, so we'll get it out of the way first. I'm sure a lot of people at various left-wing media outfits are dreading this happening. Conversely, I'm sure a lot of people at various right-wing media outfits, all busy excoriating the left for even considering it, are sort of hoping this comes true after all.

It entails Osama Bin Laden having been captured, or nailed, years or months ago. The prisoner, or the proof of his demise, has been sequestered all this time. And sometime soon - maybe a week before the elections - a Marine unit in Tora Bora will "find" Public Enemy #1. By the time anyone gets a chance to ask the important questions, it'll be too late, and Bush will ride back into office with a landslide.

There's a lot of problems with this one, especially unleashing it this suspiciously late in the game. But as the last four years have shown, the Bush Administration isn't always batting 1000 when it comes to that "intelligence thing." So I wouldn't put it past someone to try it, provided Osama bin Laden isn't alive, well, and driving a taxi in New York City, anyway...

The Gaza Strip Surprise:

After three years of telling America that Ariel Sharon is a "man of peace," and that we're pursuing a two-state solution, one of Sharon's top advisers more or less crapped all over that one.

Dov Weisglass, considered to be the "point man" with the Bush Administration, said that the planned withdrawal from the Gaza Strip was meant to indefinitely delay the establishment of a Palestinian state. He also said America (meaning Bush) is okay with the policy, which means either they're lying now, or we've been lying all along, or no one has any idea what the hell's going on with that darn road map in the first place.

This comes as a major shock to some, and as little or no surprise to others. But it does look really bad no matter what. A lot of hay could be made with this one, if only someone would mention it...

The Colin Powell Surprise:

It's something of a done deal that Secretary Powell is taking off, either way this election goes. It's been a long time coming, given the obvious - and serious - differences in worldview between him and the other folks who make the Administration run. The fractures that have popped up because of them cut deep, and there's been times that we really have looked like we were talking out of both sides of our mouth because Powell said one thing and Bush, Cheney, Rice and/or Rummy said something else.

But what might happen if he drops out a week or two early, and takes the opportunity to explain, in no uncertain terms, what complete boobs Bush, Cheney, Rice and/or Rummy are? It would completely destroy what little credibility he has left and make him out to be a bigger crybaby than Al Gore. But he'd put one more big-name dissenter into Kerry's cap, and might tip a few undecideds.

On the other hand, he might make Kerry and Company look like a bunch of back-stabbing whingers by extension, and cost them votes, instead...

The Saddam Surprise:

Here's a real doddle. Just a few days before the last big report, which was supposed to be the final nail in the coffin on the matter, CNS News was reporting that some long-neglected intelligence documents showed exactly what Bush, Cheney et. al had been saying all along. They purport "numerous efforts by Saddam Hussein's regime to work with some of the world's most notorious terror organizations, including al Qaeda, to target Americans ... that Saddam's government possessed mustard gas and anthrax, both considered weapons of mass destruction ... Iraq trained dozens of terrorists inside its borders."

You'd think this would be getting major media attention, but it's not. Is Karl Rove saving it for that crucial, last week? Or do they think they can ride on in without it, having reframed the debate on Iraq so many times that no one really cares where the goalposts are, anymore?

The Mystery Bulge Surprise:

Did you see the mystery bulge in that first debate? What was that thing? Why was Bush hunched over like that?

It seems that the mainstream media is taking note of the mystery bulge, so we can expect either a complete stonewall or a flabby explanation to follow. In the meantime, here's our own Tim Foil (still a viable write-in candidate in Boston's 4th district) with an explanation.

Tim Foil: A biomechanical device, J. President Bush is a slave of the Aliens.

rANT Farm: What...?

Tim Foil: Let's remember that the Bush Administration is bound and beholden to the Communist Syndicate. Bush used to fly planes in the National Guard, but missed a lot of time, as they say. If only they knew!

rANT Farm: What are you trying to say?

Tim Foil: Missing time, J. Missing time. He wasn't AWOL because he was playing hooky from his duties. He was being taken to Pluto for surgery. Like Khadaffy. Tipper Gore. My probation officer-

rANT Farm: Are you trying to tell me the President of the United States has space crickets stuffed up his ass?

Tim Foil: The proper term is biomechanoid extraterrestrial insect mesh, J. BEI-M, for short. But, yes... I guess you could say that. The poor devil probably doesn't even know...

rANT Farm: So why does he have a bulge on his back instead of... I dunno, his groin?

Tim Foil: The Aliens are getting clever. Learning from their mistakes. The bulge isn't the mesh, itself. It's a supplementary device.

rANT Farm: What does it do?

Tim Foil: I would suspect it's a signal blocker of some kind. Making certain that radio waves don't interfere with the Aliens' instructions. You could imagine the confusion if the President's vocal channels were compromised by a foul-mouthed trucker with a CB radio?

rANT Farm: No, but it would explain a few things...

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. There should be enough October Surprises there to keep you guessing right up through the second of November. And if that's not enough, go here and get some more.

As for Mastebating Rounds Two and Three, I think the press was right to declare them draws. Both sides did very well in going on the attack in both debates, though this cost Bush some credibility, and Kerry the ability to answer questions. It also revealed that Bush is badly confused, Cheney is a bad liar, Kerry is as bad as Bush about comprehensibility at times, and Edwards is bad at thinking on his feet at critical moments.

My thoughts on Bush, concerning the first debate, are going to be held back until after the last one. Having been extremely surprised at what I saw, I think I have a better idea what's up with him, but I want to see one more "standard" debate performance before I proclaim it from the top of the hill.

What's the matter with your life? - Did someone come and shoot your wife - Just as you planned?

Sorry - Tears for Fears